...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
