Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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