I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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