Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
