Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
