morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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