Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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