Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
You smell like stripper and shame
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
being pregnant is like rehab
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
