I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
