My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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