fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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