The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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