meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
