is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize