I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
