just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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