I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I can't trust your balls anymore.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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