You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
