After last night, I could never be a politician.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
