i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
