in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
