chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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