Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
