Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize