I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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