By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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