My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
