Will you blow on my dice?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
