At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
