im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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