The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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