Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
