I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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