Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
