I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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