I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
