Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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