Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
