So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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