so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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