I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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