just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
