She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
