Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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