you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
