Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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