dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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