dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
