Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
