I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
