Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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