And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
