I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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