I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
