Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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