Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
