Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
