I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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