He told me they were just razor bumps!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
